President Donald Trump and Pope Francis meeting at the Vatican. Photo: Alessandra Tarantino/AFP
CREDIT: Getty Images
Imagine you’ve found yourself in a highly public conflict with a powerful leader, someone with whom you deeply disagree. You’ve said some disparaging things. He’s fired off some angry tweets. But now the two of you are about to sit down in a highly publicized one-on-one meeting. What do you do?
That was the question facing President Donald Trump and Pope Francis as they sat down for their historic meeting which took place at 8:30 am Vatican time, or 2:30 am Eastern Daylight Time this morning. The press was invited to take pictures of the two leaders as they took their seats, but their actual conversation was held in private, with the Vatican warning it might not report much on the contents of the discussion.
Trump has more to gain or lose from this encounter than Francis does. For one thing, the Pope has a lot more job security. With rare exceptions (such as Francis’ predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI), popes are appointed for life. Political observers say that Trump could really use some positive press right now to counteract news of the spreading Russia investigation. And then there are US Catholic voters. Trump won with this group by a comfortable margin which contributed significantly to his victory. Francis is their not-to-be-questioned leader and hugely popular too. So gaining or losing his support should make a big difference to Trump.
But things have not gone well between the two so far. After a visit to the Mexican border, Francis commented that a person who thinks only of building walls and not bridges “is not Christian.” Trump fired back: “For a religious leader to question a person’s faith is disgraceful.” Both men are known for shooting from the hip, being somewhat unpredictable, and ignoring protocol. You can see why their handlers chose to keep the press well away from their conversation.
We may not know for a while, or maybe ever, what the two men said to each other. But we do have some extraordinary comments that Francis made two days before the meeting. He made them in less than two minutes, to members of the press aboard his plane. They’re a perfect lesson in how to deal with an enemy, and perhaps put your relationship on a whole new footing:
1. Listen before you judge.
Trump has made enough public statements and sent out enough tweets for Francis to know his position on most important issues. Still, the pontiff says he’s reserving judgment until he and Trump speak in person. When they do, he says, he’ll begin by listening to what the President has to say. “I never make a judgment about a person without listening to them,” he said. “I don’t think I should do that.”
2. Start with respect.
You don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with respect, and Francis says he will bring that respect to his meeting with Trump. He told reporters, “It’s a daily task, respect for the other. To say what one thinks but with respect, walking together, even if one thinks in one way, the other in another.”
3. Be honest. It’s OK if you don’t agree.
If you treat someone with respect and honesty, you don’t necessarily have to agree on every point, or even most points, to have a fruitful conversation. “I will say what I think, he will say what he thinks,” Francis said. And he added, “We have to be very sincere about what each one thinks.”
4. Find whatever common ground you can.
When dealing with someone who’s been an opponent, it’s extremely useful to find issues where you do agree, or even ordinary things you may have in common. Those can become starting points for a constructive conversation about the issues where you differ. “There are always doors that are not closed,” Francis said. “We have to look for doors that are at least partly open, go in, talk about the things in common, and go forward, step by step.”
5. Keep at it.
Once you’ve found some common ground, and maybe a point of agreement, keep working on your relationship, making it as strong as you can. Be patient! Building relationships takes a lot longer than starting fights. “Peace is artisanal,” Francis said. “You work on it every day.”
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.