It happens. We all have them every once in a while. We try so hard not to (at least most of us… Dave) but sometimes we just can’t help it. Maybe you’re convinced Ben is just disagreeing with you for the sake of disagreement. Or maybe Sally purposefully “forgot” to send you that research report. Sometimes we just have to let it out and have a good ‘ol fashioned office argument.
We’re only human. Office arguments are natural and sometimes they’re even a good thing. If we never had office arguments we’d probably not have much passion or drive either. There are many great qualities that we all want to have on our teams that can lead to a little bit of contention every once in a while. It’s okay. Embrace it.
Just like the Rules of Engagement out on the battlefield, these are the 4 Commandments of the Office Argument. These are the rules that separate office arguments from office fights. These are the rules that keep us on the right side of the line between healthy conflict and toxic confrontation. The good thing is, they aren’t too hard to follow. Now if we could just get Dave to remember these….
1. Never, ever get into an argument over email.
It’s okay to disagree over email. It’s okay to push back, play devil’s advocate, and even scold over email in the appropriate context. But once you cross into the territory of full-scale office argument, you need to take it offline immediately.
Email doesn’t capture tone, and as an argument escalates the receiver of the email tends to read it much more negatively than the sender intended, which only escalates the conflict even more. A face to face conversion lets the two parties get out what they need to say, while also reminding each that the other is human and ultimately on the same team.
2. Don’t raise your voice.
This one is really tough (not that I’d know from personal experience, cough cough). When you’re really heated in an office argument it’s so tempting to let your emotions speak louder than your words, but this only hurts you in the long run.
You want decisions to be based on logic, not emotion and office arguments are usually just stressful decisions. The more logical you can make the argument, the better chance you have of getting buy-in form the other side. Of course you can yell your way into winning an argument every once in a while, but once it’s over and the team has to live with the decision the lack of logic will always come back to bite you.
3. Remember to state your goals.
How many times have you argued with someone only to realized half way through the argument that you’re both essentially arguing the same side? So often we get caught up in the moment and our desire to take a passionate stand on a topic blinds us from the simplest and most important aspect of the argument: what we’re actually arguing about.
The best way to avoid this conundrum is to simply state your goal or desired outcome as clearly as possible. If both sides state their goals, two good things happen. First, a number of arguments can be avoided altogether when both sides realize their positions aren’t actually that different. Second, if the argument continues, it’s much less likely to become personal because each position has been stated and will provide the proper context.
4. Don’t take it personally.
This one is so obvious, but so hard to do in practice. I’ve had arguments about things that have very logical answers yet still somehow turn personal. It can happen in the blink of an eye, and it’s the kiss of death in any office argument.
Once an argument turns personal, all bets are off for a successful and logical resolution. This is the line between a productive tug-of-war between ideas and an embarrassing fight. No one wins when it runs personal, and just like the tango, it takes two to keep an office argument professional. The good thing is that if you can follow this last rule, the others become a lot easier.
Always remember these 4 Commandments of the Office Argument and you’ll set yourself ahead in the workplace. Now, someone please forward this to Dave….
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.