What are red flags in a mentor-student relationship? And what are some markers that it is positive and healthy? originally appeared on Quora – the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world.
Answer by Dushka Zapata, Author of 3 Books, on Quora:
A mentor is someone who has already walked down the path you think you might be interested in and as such can help guide and maybe even inspire you.
The relationship usually takes the shape of regular meetings or calls where you might talk about things you think about, that concern you, that interest you, that trap you or that stop you.
Your mentor listens, asks the right questions (also known as “active listening”), and without directly giving you advice shares what worked for her so that you might decide what to apply to your life or situation.
The intent is for you to learn how to listen to yourself rather than become reliant on what another person has to say.
“I like you also wondered if this was what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I did because I woke up looking forward to going to work”, rather than “you should absolutely do this. I loved it and I know you will too.”
Another very valuable thing your mentor might do is make an effort to introduce you to the right people to network with, to work for or even to talk to.
The dynamic between your mentor and you should be relaxed, comfortable and pleasant. A mentor is doing for you what she wishes someone had done for her so meeting with you is full of meaning, like a large circle being traced and closed. It should never feel like tension, like an imposition, or like a favor you have to in some way pay back.
Nothing about the relationship should feel pushed, forced, or coerced. If you feel aggression or an attempt to get you to do things you have not had a chance to think through; or if you feel your actions lead to somehow benefiting your mentor, these are signs that you are being manipulated.
Your mentor should help you stand on your own two feet and believe in yourself rather than admonish you, criticize you or diminish you. No one should do these things but least of all someone in a role meant to support you.
You should also watch out for a term first coined by Sigmund Freud known as transference. It’s very common and what happens when you feel a strong attraction towards someone in a position of power.
Any person with authority – a mentor, a teacher, an instructor – should know that getting romantically involved with a student or a patient is a serious breach of ethics, because it takes advantage of someone in a vulnerable position.
Your relationship with your mentor should feel good, empowering, elucidating, helpful. It should be something you look forward to.
It should ultimately inspire you to pay it forward and be a mentor to someone aspiring to walk in your footsteps.
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